Nutty Bantering
by Kenneth Black
Summary: Gabrielle finds out what a bad girl Xena can be when the Warrior Princess takes a chomp out of henbane-laced nutmeg bread. :D Warning: Cheesy jokes included, not mine.


A/N: . . . XD *busts out laughing* I am gonna make Xena into a VERY bad character. XD Too much browsing joke sites is gettin' to me. OH! ^^; And there's a bad word in this, too, which you're about to see in a sec. . . ^^; Sowwy.

DISCLAIMER: Xena, Warrior Princess, belongs to the ones who made the show and not me. Same goes for the jokes. =3 Have fun reading, I had fun writing! XD

_**Nutty Bantering It's Better Than Naughty Banters! **_

". . . Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Mariel?"

Gabrielle gaped up at the Warrior Princess, her best friend, her traveling companion, the one who slept with her at night to provide her comfort and warmth and fought side by side with her in the day, protecting her from the evil baddies roaming around Ancient Greece. Xena's eyes were lidded, and there was a suggestive look in the blue pupils as she beckoned the bard up from her task of cooking by the fire. Gabrielle stumbled to her feet and warily walked closer, wondering what in Tartarus had gotten to the Warrior. White flashed, and Gabrielle had to control the urge to shiver with pleasure under the intense gaze.

"Ahhh, see?"

Furrowing her brow, the bard wondered what as she looked out into the darkness. All she could see was Argo amid the light cast by the crackling fire, the overgrown weeds shooting up into the air and providing with a good wind breaker from the late fall weather at night.

"No. . ."

Cautiously looking at her friend when Xena crooked her finger again and waggled her eyebrows up and down, Gabrielle about choked on air when the dark-haired woman cooed into her ear, wrapping herself around the bard with a litheness akin to a black panther circling its prey.

"I just made you come with one finger; imagine what I could do with the rest of my body."

Wrenching herself from the laughing Xena, Gabrielle rounded on her best friend and took in the taller woman's stare. There was something feral about her this night, and the moon was high in the sky, providing all the light she needed to see the warrior was a bit dizzy on her feet. Staring at the small piece of food Xena had probably got out of her bag, Gabrielle shook her head in amazement and gaped.

"Xena, that is NUTBREAD you're chowing down on! NOW I know why you don't drink so much in taverns. . . Don't give me that look, your mother gave me some when we last left Amphipolis last week so I could tuck it in my skirt and we could use it to relax after a hard days' travel!"

Watching as Xena nodded, Gabrielle thought the blue eyes flickered once in drunken mischief as they sparkled over at her innocently. Everything about Xena spoke of not being in control of herself as the woman weaved about, losing her balance but keeping light and reflexive on her feet as the warrior circled her, yet AGAIN. Swallowing hard, Gabrielle wondered how she was going to deal with a drunk Xena off of henbane in nutbread for the time being on an empty stomach. She knew that the drug in the bread was delivered more swiftly on an empty stomach, and somehow Xena had forgotten that tiny little fact. Yet with a few bites of fish in her, the Warrior Princess would be good to sleep and not sport any kind of a hangover the next morning. Yet how to get her to eat. . .?

Xena was looking at her with a hunger Gabrielle knew the warrior was capable of, but not to her. Shifting a bit, the blonde edged towards the fire and tended to the fish that was almost ready to eat. The dark-haired beauty stopped right in front of her and grinned again. Teeth flashed bright with the fire's cheerful light, and Gabrielle was reminded of a wolf as Xena purred, her voice low and alluring.

"Are you sure you don't have a mirror in that skirt, Gabrielle, 'cause I can easily see myself there."

Flushing red at the saucy pick-up lines, Gabrielle wondered how Xena ever controlled herself in taverns during the rare drinking contests warlords and plain men challenged the Warrior Princess to. Exhaling, the bard looked into Xena's eyes and handed the almost-done fish to her friend. She needed it NOW. The innuendos were killing her.

As Xena tapped the fish's crisp tail with her index fingers, jumping a bit on her soles and plain reminding Gabrielle of a cat playing with a mouse, the armored woman mused, "Hmmm, and I so hoped we were going to have chicken tonight."

Gabrielle wondered at the sudden change of subject and hoped SHE wasn't as bad as this when she'd been under the influence. Getting to her feet, the bard swiftly glanced over the camp, wondering if there was any place she could sit without Xena jumping on her in her inebriated state. Apparently the Warrior Princess could sense her anxiety, but instead of soothing it as she would in normal situations, Xena plopped down by the rock she'd been sitting on as she'd sharpened her sword, munching on the nutbread, and smiled as she beckoned Gabrielle over.

A feeling in her gut told her she was going to be okay, none worse for the wear, so Gabrielle complied. Butterflies started to flutter in her stomach when Xena licked her lips and stared up at her, blue eyes turning smoldering hot as the warrior fed herself a piece of the fish the bard had cooked.

"Gabrielle, I was joking, you know that, right? Heh, I mean, I swear to drunk I'm not the gods! Whoops, heheh, guess I made another li'l mistake. But here- sit down on my lap, and maybe we can talk about the first thing that pops up, hmm?"

Gabrielle about fell into the fire with the earnest catch-phrases Xena was telling her, and she wondered if she could ever feel any warmer. If henbane ever did this to ANYONE, Gabrielle would suggest that their parents warn anyone near their children that alcohol and drugs did this to their child. Speaking of which. . .

"Umm, Xena! I, uhh, think I'll be sitting over here, get more writing done while I eat. I've got this amazing story just ready to be written down. Say! Does your parents know of your. . . tendency to flirt when you're drunk?"

Xena rolled her eyes and threw her head back, popping a fried eye of the out and catching it as it fell. With a disgruntled 'umph!' Xena fell off the rock and threw her hands up, rolling to her knees and grinning over at her as she picked the rest of the fish bones clean with her teeth. Shaking her head playfully, black locks shifted into perfect position and Gabrielle wondered how she could have ever been so blessed to have known this beautiful specimen of woman. When Xena cleared her throat, though, the bard was pulled back to reality and the slightly-better posture the warrior had.

"Naaaah, they know. Heh, they tried it on me once when I was right outta the house at fifteen- said I had to be attractive in manner enough to get a suitor. Feh," Gabrielle smiled a bit as the Warrior drew herself to her feet and snorted, the armor and leather making an imposing sight in the middle of camp. "Anyway, I got more crass and worse with words the more they fed me. Finally, they let me quit. I'm not good with words like you, Gabrielle. How'd you grow up, anyway? I mean, your parents must be bakers, 'cause they sure put out a great set of buns."

Gabrielle's head reeled at the information slammed at her from Xena's past and the amusing story behind it, as well as the compliment. Finding it was easy enough to accept the compliment, Gabrielle nodded. Apparently Xena found her walking more and more in front that she could check out her body when wanted. Flushing slightly, the bard finished her fish and went to cleaning about the camp. Glancing at Xena as the Warrior Princess animatedly showed her she could hit off a couple rounds of chakram throws like the 'pull' on gun practice, Gabrielle settled herself in to taking care of the dishes and sighed, getting Xena's attention.

The warrior snapped the chakram out of the air before it could slice her head off and Gabrielle gulped again at the shaky hand Xena had. Her large body criss-cross apple-sauced its way beside her as Gabrielle did the dishes with a pool of water conveniently located in the middle of camp and the bard led on with the story of her prime.

"Thank you. As you know, I was supposed to be married to Perdicus, but also a couple of others before him. That dull lunk you saw when we first met? He was one of them who was a good man, more of a boy, really, but steady. Steady wasn't enough for me, though. I was different, Xena, and I know I always would have if you hadn't come along."

Pausing to collect her thoughts, Gabrielle dried the dishes and looked at Xena as the warrior took them from her hands and deposited them safely in their unpacked saddle bags. Whoa. Xena then proceeded to spread out their shared blankets around the fire, and Gabrielle swallowed hard as she remembered their first night in sleeping together for warmth and comfort. It was right after she had died herself the first time on their travels, and rest be assured it wouldn't be her last. But. . .

"When I was a kid, I knew there were things out there in the work, not just a woman's life who had to scrub and clean and keep the house when a speck of dust sprang to life. I ran around outdoors, I spied on travelers who came into our village to trade and barter, and even discovered more ways around the village to go through by following the people along for a while. I got into more trouble than a normal kid should have, sneaking out and trying to play a person not myself, someone daring, someone out there, just. . . being me. And so, when we went to the Amazons and I heard how the children were raised there, I was just so grateful those children could have an upbringing like that."

"Mmmm, Gabrielle?"

Looking down at Xena, Gabrielle realized she had been pacing, a bit of a restless habit as she gestured with her hands to emphasize her points. Without thinking, the blonde deposited herself into Xena's arms when the warrior pulled her down, snuggling her into a hug. A bit shocked but comforted, Gabrielle returned the warm contact. Stiffening a bit consciously when Xena nuzzled her ear, the bard wondered when in Tartarus was the henbane going to wear off. Sure, Cyrene had given her two loaves, but then again, she was sure she'd only seen Xena eat a half loaf. . .

"I am, you know."

Confused, Gabrielle took the chance to pull away.

"What?"

Warm blue eyes smiled up at her and Xena pulled her down again, comfortably tucking her into her night shift. The warrior had shed her armor and leathers.

"Yours."

Unbidden, Gabrielle's heart soared at the words, but then just as quickly shook it off as major cause of the henbane. Still, she relaxed into the snuggle and sighed as she rolled over onto her back and gazed up at the millions of stars.

"That still reminds me of a bear."

Xena's low chuckle reverberated through her, and Gabrielle smiled, concentrating on the knowledge Xena was beside her tonight, and for now, she was acting strange, if not nice.

"Mmmms, Gabrielle, you have the most interesting thoughts. But ever since we first met, I always admired you for them. Still, if I told you you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?"

Whirling on the warrior, Gabrielle grabbed her staff she had positioned vertical to her lying-down state, and with a hiss of embarrassed disbelief, took a shot at Xena, half hoping to knock the woman out and half hoping to knock some sense into her. This time, though, the black-haired woman wasn't falling for the same trick twice. Xena rolled to the side and butted her full in the stomach, and Gabrielle's own forceful blow with the swing of her staff knocked her clean over the other side of Xena. Downed, the bard had to laugh as Xena rolled back and proceeded to cuddle with her again, the scent of leather still on her best friend.

"I'm just messing with you, Gabrielle. But wierd as it seems, all of what I said was true, y'know? I do think you have the most interesting thoughts, and after everything we've been through, I can honestly say you're my best friend who'll take me as I am, henbane and Destroyer of Nations all. But, do you sleep on your stomach?"

Rolling her eyes, Gabrielle easily saw this one coming. Grinning as she flushed at the innuendo of THAT, the bard feigned anger and let Xena have her way with the words this time.

". . . No."

"Well, then, can I?"

Pretending to mull over it a bit, Gabrielle smiled down at her best friend who had already squeezed her way down to her belly and was laying her head down onto her stomach. Both laughed as it grumbled.

"I learned all those bad jokes when I was a kid being courted by all the boys. I thought, hey, since women like to have a crack at it, too, I altered them a bit. Did'ja like 'em?"

". . . They were very interesting, Xena."

"Interesting is good. I've been called all sorts of things in my life, and interesting one of the top five."

"Mind telling me what the other top four are?"

"Only if you tell me some more good jokes. My suitors at fourteen had some limited experience to work with."

". . . Deal. Let me think. . ."

And the stars twinkled brightly in the night sky as the two best friends thought up new jokes they would pass on as they traveled. . . only saving the best for themselves.

A/N: XD XD XD Okay, if this offends some, it's my fault. I was browsing some hilarious joke sights and came across some funny stuff amid all the 'uhhhh, c'mon, it COULD be funnier' jokes, and I really wanted to make a short fanfic where some things are most highlighted. So, about thirty minutes later, what better than Xena, Warrior Princess, taking her share of the henbane and Gabrielle to put up with her? =3 Thanks for reading, take care, jaaaaaaaaaaaa! XD


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